In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

"If you like the picture, I'm thrilled. If you hate it and think it was a waste of time coming, don't let me know cause I get depressed easily." -Woody Allen at the The Los Angeles Film Festival

Woodyisms from his films

“Don’t psychoanalyze me! Many have tried. All have failed." -Woody Allen in "To Rome with Love"

 “I was trying to think about what it is about Rome that hits me, how it’s so energetic and chaotic, with a ton of traffic and cars and people mingling, and some places with no sidewalks … the way everyone is out on the streets, sitting on steps or in cafes, the constant motion, the great flair for living with food and fashion and movies, and I couldn’t convey it with one story. I wanted to write about tourists, and people who live there, and people coming from small towns, with all the romance and chaos and emotion. So, it needed a number of stories.” -Woody Allen explaining the concept of his new film, "To Rome with Love" in The Globe and Mail

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

"Eighty percent of success is showing up."

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.